Whether you're new to BDSM or have been on the scene for years, BDSM safety is crucial. Join me as I discuss the basics of BDSM, including safety protocol, answers to commonly asked questions, and why consent is the cornerstone of kink. Plus, we'll cover some of the need-to-know terms like RACK, SSC, and hard limits. 

What Is BDSM?

In the literal sense, BDSM stands for bondage, discipline, sadism, and masochism. The definition has expanded a bit over time, and can also stand for bondage and discipline, dominance and submission, sadism and masochism. Let's explore each of these words in more depth. 

Bondage

The common thread in all forms of bondage is restriction and manipulation of the ability to move the body. This can come in the form of rope, handcuffs, tape, spreader bars, or the verbal instruction not to move. Shibari or Kinbaku, are two ancient but still-popular forms of Japanese rope bondage.

Discipline

Discipline is a form of mental play intended to have a psychological, and often physical, impact. If discipline is part of your scene, you may experience verbal instruction, degradation, and/or praise.

Examples of discipline include a verbal command to get on all fours and serve as human furniture, or a non-verbal signal to take off your clothes and face the wall. The common thread in all forms of discipline is control and manipulation of behavior.

Dominance

Dominance refers to power play. Power play describes a dynamic in which control is surrendered to the dominant player. Typically, this involves someone who controls the scene/activities (the Dominant) and one person who surrenders control (the submissive). 

Power play scenes can involve more than two people, but the common thread here is the exchange of power. 

Submission

On the other end of the power play spectrum is submission. As with dominance, submission involves an exchange of power and the surrender of control.

The relationship between the dominant and submissive is often called a Dom/sub dynamic, or D/s for short. Submission and dominance takes many different forms and looks different for everyone, but always involves the exchange of power. 

Sadism

A sadist derives pleasure from inflicting pain on others. This might be physical pain, psychological pain, or a combination of different types of pain. Common examples of sadism include flogging, spanking, and dripping hot candle wax on bare skin.

No matter what delivery system you choose, the name of the sadistic game is delivering pain to others.

Masochism

On the other side of the paddle is the masochist, a person who derives pleasure from experiencing pain. Again, this pain can be strictly physical, or incorporate psychological sadism, as well. 

Like the Dominant/submissive relationship, the roles of sadist and masochist complement and depend on each other. It's difficult to experience one without the other. 

For more about BDSM: Dominant and Submissive Relationships

The Importance of Consent

What do bondage and discipline, dominance and submission, sadism and masochism all have in common? If you guessed consent, you've discovered the most important element of BDSM. 

Undergirding all successful BDSM relationships is the consent of everyone involved. All BDSM activities should be negotiated before they begin, and require consistent communication and consent throughout playtime.  

While BDSM may seem to involve a dominant or sadistic party who controls what happens, inflicts pain, or decides what to do next, the submissive player actually controls the scene. The submissive sets limits, decides when a scene is finished, and wields the true power.

BDSM Safety Protocol

Now let's dive into safe words, communication, negotiation, aftercare, and more BDSM safety essentials.

What Is A Safe Word?

A safe word is a word or phrase that can be used at any time during a scene to slow or stop what you're doing. It's common to have a few different safe words that mean different things. For example, someone might use the word yellow to slow down or take a break, and use the word red to end the scene entirely.

When it comes to invoking a safe word, the type of scene doesn't matter. You should feel free to use safe words any time you feel uncomfortable, need to rest, or want to step out of the scene for any reason. 

There are no limits to the number of safe words, nor are there specific words you should use. However, there are a couple of general rules. First, safe words should be negotiated and established ahead of playtime. And when it comes time to choose a safe word, try to pick something memorable, non-sexual, and unambiguous.

For example, dinosaur is a better safe word than no or stop. Why? Because there are many instances in BDSM where saying "no, stop, don't" can be mistaken for role play, especially during scenes that involve consensual non-consent. 

Learn: What is Consensual Non-Consent?

Negotiation

With BDSM, negotiation is not to be confused with compromise. At no point should anyone engage in sexual and/or kink activities that make them feel uncomfortable, forced, or coerced. 

On the contrary, negotiation between play partners revolves around clear boundaries, wants, and needs. For example, a Dom and sub should discuss hard and soft limits before playing together. A hard limit is something that's completely off the table, while a soft limit is something a person might be willing to explore under the right circumstances.

Other examples of things to negotiate are punishments and rewards. If you're incorporating discipline into a scene, you might negotiate what kinds of activities you'd both like to enjoy when the person being disciplined is "bad," and how to reward them when they're good. 

Learn more about the titles Dominants and submissives use to address each other: What Are Honorifics? 

What Is Aftercare?

Once you've effectively communicated with your partner(s), worked out which kinds of scenes and activities you'd like to try, and thoroughly enjoyed yourselves, it's time for aftercare. Aftercare refers to the time spent caring for each other after a scene has ended. BDSM activities can be both physically and emotionally exhausting (in a good way), which is one of the reasons aftercare is so important.

Aftercare is a great time to reconnect with your partner and revel in the warmth of the afterglow. It's also a good time to talk about what worked, what you'd like to change, things you don't want to try again, and so on. 

If you're looking for inspiration regarding aftercare plans, try taking a warm bath or shower together. Cuddling, kissing, and meditating together are all examples of restorative aftercare activities.

If you're finishing a scene that involved corporal punishment or physical pain, icing bruises and tending to wounds can be both a caring and necessary part of aftercare. 

No one is obligated to take part in aftercare. If you prefer to go home immediately after a scene and care for yourself, you absolutely can. That said, a partner who refuses to provide aftercare despite your want/need for it may not be the best fit for you.

Don't forget to prioritize your own pleasure and well-being, no matter which role you assume in a BDSM scene. 

Learn more: What Is Aftercare?

BDSM Terms to Know

Now let's take a quick look at some commonly used words with definitions that aren't so commonly known. 

RACK 

This acronym stands for Risk Aware Consensual Kink. This means all parties involved are consenting adults who are fully aware of the risks involved in a scene. 

SSC

Safe, Sane, and Consensual. This acronym also points to consent, which must be present at all times. It also implies that all play partners are fully capable of making decisions, and are not under the influence of something that could get in the way of total consent. 

Learn more: What Does Safe, Sane, and Consensual Mean?

Hard Limit

A hard limit is a NO. Hard limits are non-negotiable. If someone's hard limit is tickling, for example, that means no tickling should be present in a scene under any circumstances. 

Soft limit

A soft limit is kind of like a maybe. It's something that someone might be willing to explore under the right circumstances with the right person. But, until the green light is given, soft limits should also be treated as a NO. 

Learn more: BDSM Red Flags

Fetish

A fetish is something that must be present during playtime in order to feel arousal. For example, if someone has a foot fetish, feet must be involved in order for that person to truly become aroused. 

Kink

A kink is usually something that mainstream society considers deviant or outside the norm. Someone's kink serves to enhance their pleasure or arousal. For example, if someone has a spanking kink, the act of spanking can supercharge their arousal! 

Learn more: Kink Vs. Fetish: What's the Difference?

Kinkster

A kinkster is a term used to refer to someone within the kink community. 

Fetlife

Fetlife is an online community for kinksters. Essentially, it's like Facebook... for kinky people! 

Watersports

I know this sounds like it involves a jet-ski or water skis, but watersports actually refers to the involvement of urine within a BDSM scene. 

Scat

The refers to the involvement of feces in a BDSM scene. 

Shibari

Shibari is a type of Japanese rope bondage that has become popular all over the world.