If you're interested in BDSM or kink, you've probably heard the phrase "safe, sane, and consensual." But what does it mean, exactly, and why is it such a common mantra among kinksters?
Read on. In this article, I'll discuss how these four words became the ethical rallying cry of the kink community. I'll break down what each part of the phrase means and tell you why they're so important to a healthy BDSM dynamic.
What Is BDSM?
The term BDSM is an acronym for bondage and discipline, dominance and submission, sadism and masochism. BDSM is an umbrella term for relationship dynamics that typically involve a power exchange between partners. These relationships are typically sexual, but not always.
BDSM might include different kinks and fetishes, role-playing, and other non-normative practices like body modification and wearing rubber or latex.
Learn more about how Dominants and submissives address each other: What are Honorifics?
According to a study in the Journal of Sexual Medicine, BDSM is practiced by anywhere from 2% to 62% of people. This wide range includes everyone from folks who dabble in light spanking to those who live in full-time master/slave relationships.
The rise in interest in BDSM can be attributed to increased visibility in popular media, growing acceptance of different sexual preferences, and easy access to information about BDSM and kink.
Learn more: Dominant and Submissive Relationships
The Origin of Safe, Sane, Consensual
During the 1980s, people in the BDSM and kink community began to emphasize the importance of safe, sane, consensual play. This is because many forms of BDSM, including play with ropes, wax, fire, can potentially cause emotional or physical risks. This focus on consent and safety also help to distinguish BDSM from abusive behavior like battery and domestic violence.
To get a fuller understanding, let's look at each part of this phrase, starting with the word "safe."
The Meaning of Safe
A crucial aspect of power dynamics is the safety and well-being of both partners. When we talk about "safe" in BDSM, we mean minimizing physical risks. Safety may sound like a simple matter of making sure gags aren't too tight and safewords are clear, but it's actually a bit more complex.
- Open and honest communication
- Valuing each other's feelings and opinions
- Understanding your kinks and fetishes, as well as those of your partner
- Being aware of the potential dangers of activities such as breath play, restraints, and sensory deprivation
- Establishing and respecting clear boundaries
It's also important that both partners have a clear understanding of how to practice kinks and fetishes to be as safe as possible. This can take research, experience, careful practice, and learning from others in the community.
Learn more: BDSM Safety
The Meaning of Sane
"Sane" describes the importance of being mentally healthy enough to consent to and engage in BDSM practices. Emotional stability allows partners in a BDSM relationship to understand themselves and their intentions before they consent to play.
Key to being sane is self-awareness. This means that partners know of any potential trauma or difficulties they bring to the relationship and see clearly how it might impact the play they engage in.
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Sane also means:
- Knowing what your limits are and being able to express that
- Addressing any current mental illness through therapy and/or medication
- Being mentally healthy enough to consent to play each time
- Not using BDSM or play with a partner to act out unresolved emotional, physical, or sexual trauma
Each person should be able recognize the signs of mental illness in a potential partner and not become involved if that person is unstable or unable to consent clearly.
Finally, a sane partner can help create an experience that's not only safer and less chaotic, but more fulfilling. BDSM (and sex in general) is best when both partners are able to contribute equally, with intention and full force of mind.
Learn more: BDSM Red Flags
The Meaning of Consensual
Consensual means that both partners literally and figuratively say a clear and resounding yes with each encounter, no matter what their personal dynamic or the type of play they like to engage in.
Consent is about not only expressing your own willingness to go forward, but making sure your partner consents, too. If there's any doubt about consent before or during play, responsible partners don't move forward. Enthusiastic consent is necessary every time, even between long-term partners.
Consent can only occur:
- Between adults of legal consenting age
- Between adults who are not intoxicated, particularly if that intoxication prevents them from verbally consenting to play
- Between mentally stable adults who understand the type of play they plan to engage in
Even when it comes to play like consensual non-consent, verbal consent ahead of time is essential to a safe and satisfying experience. And remember: consent should always be re-expressed during play with a partner. Particularly during potentially risky activities like fire play, breath play, rope play, and wax play, consent is key to trust, vulnerability, and pleasure.
Learn more: What is Consensual Non-Consent?