How Do I Convince My Partner To Let Me Use Sex Toys?
We at Delicto receive a lot of questions about sex and intimacy, but one in particular arises again and again: How do I convince my male partner to let me use sex toys?
Though the answer won't be the same for everyone, there are ways to discuss the issue with a partner that can help them embrace sex toys as friends, not foes. In this guide, we’ll look at two ways to broach the topic of toys with your lover, and list some bestselling couple’s products to get you started!
Sharing Pleasure with a Partner
When someone wants to explore pleasure products with you, it’s because they want to experience pleasure with you. It sounds like a simple concept, but so many people — straight men in particular — struggle with the thought of their partners receiving pleasure from anything that isn’t naturally attached to their body.
Why would anyone feel threatened by sex toys, you ask? Well, there are lots of reasons to unpack, many of which are rooted in insecurity, control, and the cultural prioritization of male pleasure. And, unfortunately, it’s a pretty common occurrence that contributes to the orgasm gap, also known as the ongoing disparity in orgasms between straight men and women.
So, how do you convey this concept to someone who feels like sex toys are competition? Let’s look at two ways to approach it with your partner.
Method 1: Be Gentle and Accommodating
When someone feels threatened by sex toys or nervous about using them, it’s often because of fear and insecurity around the idea of not being enough. So, the last thing you want to do is feed those feelings by yelling or using accusatory language.
Instead, broach the topic in a low-pressure way, and reassure your partner that you don’t want to use toys because you’re bored or unsatisfied. On the contrary, it’s because you love sexual intimacy with them that you want to explore these things together.
Encourage your partner to feel confident in their ability to please you. For example, you could say something like, “You’re already so good at making me cum, I can’t wait to see what you’ll do with this toy.” Get specific with what you want to do with a given toy, and amp him up with sentiments like, “It would be so sexy to use this toy while we do this thing.”
You might want to mention toys specifically for his anatomy too (tell him all about the TikTok video you saw detailing how strokers can help you deepthroat!). And, if it applies, remind your partner that it can be easier for you to reach orgasm with extra stimulation from a toy.
Then, invite him to get cozy on the couch so you can shop for toys together; maybe enjoy a little play while you browse. Create positive associations around the idea of toys, and help foster a shame-free environment that makes both you and your partner feel safe to chart new territory.
If your partner still flat out refuses, you might need to take it a step further with a firmer approach.
Method 2: Be Firm and Self-Advocating
Everything discussed in Method 1 can and should remain in play, as it’s important to create positive associations and safe feelings around sex toys. But if you’re met with pushback, you might want to tell your partner how it makes you feel to have their pleasure prioritized over yours. Because when you get right down to it, that is what’s happening.
It’s one thing to not want sex toys to be used on yourself because you don’t like the way it feels on your own body. To not allow your partner to use sex toys on themselves is another thing entirely.
This kind of behavior is not necessarily done with malicious intent, and is typically the result of deeply rooted patriarchal ideals. And yes, unlearning toxic generational lessons is hard, there’s no doubt about it! But if your partner has a problem with something that brings you pleasure, it’s important to acknowledge that and — if you’re up for it — have a discussion about why that is.
If your partner enjoys an orgasm every time you have sex and you don't because you need your vibrator to get there but he forbids it, that’s controlling behavior that belies a level of insecurity he needs to address. Remember: it’s not your job to teach your partner why your pleasure is as important as theirs, and you should never have to beg for pleasure.
Best Sex Toys for Partnered Play
Once you and your partner have discussed why it’s important to prioritize each other’s pleasure, you might be ready to shop for sex toys together! From clitoral stimulators to wearable vibrators, the world of couple’s toys is wide, and includes something for all types of partnered play.
To guide you in your search, take a look at my top 10 favorite sex toys to use with a partner!
The Com is a rumbly vibrator that’s ergonomically designed to be comfortable to hold, especially during missionary-style PIV sex. It’s also whisper-quiet, which can be a major bonus during partnered play.
The Wearable is an innovative couple’s toy that — you guessed it — is worn during sex. It’s cleverly designed to stimulate the clitoris, G-spot, and penis simultaneously, making it a perfect fit (literally) for partnered play.
If you need a strong and flexible bullet to hold on your clitoris during sex with your lover, look no further. I personally use this bullet for exactly that purpose, and swear by it! It’s smooth, powerful, and easy to slip between bodies.
The Sync 2 is an app-controlled couple’s toy that, like The Wearable, is worn vaginally during sex. It’s fully adjustable to fit all bodies, and delivers vibes that can be controlled and customized using the We-Vibe app on your smart device.
The Magic Wand Original has long been a go-to toy for couples because of its impressive battery life and ultra-powerful motor. The downside? It’s a bit bulky and loud, two things that are not ideal when you’re in the throes of lovemaking! The Magic Wand Mini is the brand’s solution to that problem (and what a wonderful solution it is).
The Nos is a C-ring that fits snugly around the base of the penis to constrict blood flow for a harder, longer-lasting erection. But that’s not all! The ring itself vibrates the shaft of the penis, while its special double-motor tip hugs the clitoris for focused stimulation. 10/10 recommend!
Pegasus Curved Ripple Harness Kit
If you and your partner are curious about strap-on play but don’t know where to start, you might want to go for an all-in-one kit that includes everything you need to get the ball rolling. With this kit, you get 3 O-rings, an adjustable harness, and a remote-controlled, vibrating dildo made from body-safe silicone.
As far as toys that are easy to maneuver during sex, it doesn’t get much easier than this. Simply slip the Dioni over your finger, then go about your business as you normally would, but with the power of 20 vibration settings at your fingertip.
The Roq is a budget-friendly C-ring that vibrates the penis and clitoris at the time, so that they may come together in happy unison. It’s also very quiet, fully waterproof, and stretchy enough to fit almost any size.
The Dame Aer is the quietest air pressure toy on the market, in my experience, and delivers gentler stimulation as well. If you’re looking for a clitoral toy that’s not too loud or intense, this is a great way to go.