So, you want to dip your toe into the exciting waters of kink, but you're not sure where to start. You've come to the right place! Here are four beginner-friendly ways to explore the world of B and D and S and M.
Before we get started, keep in mind that consent is crucial for all aspects of BDSM. Communicate and exchange enthusiastic consent and safe words with your partner before and during all types of BDSM.
Learn more: What Does Safe, Sane, and Consensual Mean?
B is for Bondage
Power play is the fascinating thread that runs through the whole cosmos of kink. The most common example of power play is the exchange between a dominant player and a submissive player, but the specific ways in which you express dominance and submission are entirely up to you.
One of the most popular ways to explore power dynamics is through bondage. Bondage typically involves restricting the movements of your partner by any of the following:
- Strap restraints to your bed to watch your lover helplessly writhe in joyful anticipation of whatever you plan to do next
- Tie their wrists and/or ankles with a scarf
- Use buckled wrist and ankle restraints to keep them firmly in your control
- Tie your partner to a chair
- Explore different types of rope play positions, like the hog-tie, frog-tie, or back-tie
Bondage is great for beginners because you can start small, with a simple set of silicone handcuffs, for example, and work your way up to more advanced techniques like Shibari rope play or bondage tools like spreader bars.
Interested in learning more about power play dynamics? Check out Dominant and Submissive Relationships
D is for Dominance (or Discipline)
Dominance allows you and your partner to explore power dynamics in both a physical and emotional way. Dominance doesn't just mean telling your partner what to do, but taking on a role of caring, sensual control that prioritizes consent, communication, and the needs of the submissive as well as the Dominant.
You can explore the D in BDSM by trying any or all of the following:
- Tell your partner to ask for permission before they have an orgasm
- Assign daily tasks
- Choose sex positions that give you more control
- Talk dirty to your partner in a bold, confident way
- Use strong body language, such as standing tall with your feet apart
- If your partner doesn't submit or obey, administer a non-physical discipline like requiring them recite a profession of worship you had them memorize ahead of time
Not sure what to say in the heat of the moment? Read How To Talk Dirty
If you're new to being dominant, it can help to start feeling more dominant in your mind and body before you try it with a partner. This might mean getting in touch with the side of you that likes the idea of being the boss and directing what happens sexually between you and your partner.
You might also want to read BDSM erotica that describes the actions and words of dominant characters. This can give a sense of what feels authentic and interesting to you. It can also help to inspire your creativity as you consider what dominance means for you and your partner.
S is for Sadism
If you read the word sadism and immediately think of whips and chains, fear not. Sadism runs the gamut from a little over-the-knee hand-to-rump connection to more intense activities like flogging and fire play.
If you're interested in sadism but want to start with small steps, here are some suggestions:
- Ask your partner what kind of pain interests them and follow their lead
- Hair pulling is easy to try during normal intercourse, particularly sex from behind
- With their go-ahead, you can explore a little rough play, such as light slapping or pushing your partner onto the bed
- Try impact play with tools, like paddles and crops
- Spanking is perhaps the most popular form of sadism, and is a perfect way to start exploring your sadistic side
Find out how to practice BDSM responsibly: BDSM Safety
M is for Masochism
Intrigued by masochism? Excited by the idea of making sex feel more intense with pain, but not sure how to begin? This is the perfect time to have a conversation with your partner to find out where they stand on the subject and what they might be comfortable with.
If you already have a partner who's game to fulfill your fantasies, make sure you discuss boundaries ahead of time. There may be some types of pain you'd like to try, whereas others might be off limits. Remember that you can always expand your boundaries as your experience grows and your needs evolve.
What does masochism look like if you're just starting out? You can try:
- Impact play, like paddling and flogging
- Consensual non-consent
- Sensation play with temperature or stainless steel pinwheels
Remember that you as the masochist should have full control over what you allow your partner to do. If you prefer light pain, say so. If you're comfortable with some types of pain and not others, don't be afraid to speak up. Clear communication is crucial for both your sexual enjoyment and your safety.
Learn more: BDSM Red Flags