What is my erotic blueprint?

What's My Lust Language?

Sarah Riccio

You’ve probably heard of love languages, which describe different ways to express care and support in a relationship (physical touch and gifts here!). But have you heard of lust languages? And no, I'm not talking about new and improved ways to sext.

Lust languages are less well known than love languages, but are just as important when it comes to sexual satisfaction. 

What are lust languages, and how do you know which one applies to you? Join me as I discuss the ins and outs of lust languages, and how knowing yours can dramatically enhance your sex life. 

What Is a Lust Language?

Just as love languages are intended to help us understand how we give and receive love, lust languages offer insight into the myriad ways we experience arousal. 

Your lust language is comprised of all the things — big or small — that turn you on and off. Knowing your lust language can help boost your self-awareness in the bedroom, improve communication between you and your partner, and give you a better understanding of what excites you — and why. 

Certain elements of the four lust languages are inherently sexual, but many are not. Arousal happens in both the body and mind, and is not merely a reaction to physical pleasure. When you understand your lust language, you equip yourself with the self-awareness to ask your lover for what you want in an effective way

The more your partner knows about your lust langage, the more prepared they are to please you. That’s why learning your lust languages together is a great intimacy-building exercise for couples.  

Shop: Best Sex Toys for Beginners

What Are The Four Lust Languages? 

There are four lust languages: romantic, harmonious, connected, and primal. You might identify with elements of all four lust languages, but if one in particular made you stand up and take notice, that’s your primary language.  

Here’s a closer look at each lust language:


The romantic lust language is all about being wined and dined, literally and figuratively. For the romantic, setting the mood is crucial, as it demonstrates a level of effort that makes them feel wooed, wanted, and appreciated. A homemade meal followed by a sensual bubble bath, for example, can be a great way to supercharge arousal and prime the romantic type for a full night of fun. 

The road to a romantic’s heart is paved with notes, pet names, and private, personal gifts. They love surprises, particularly acts of passion that show they’re always on their lover's mind.  

Romantic types also love verbal play, so feel free to lay on the sexy words of affirmation. Whether it be sweet nothings over text or intimate talk between the sheets, this lust language responds well to compliments, flirtation, and verbal displays of desire. 

Learn: How To Initiate Sex


The harmonious lust language is like the sexy sibling of the “acts of service” love language. This one centers around support and shared responsibility. If your lust language is harmonious, you feel like you need to be “on the same team” with your partner to feel truly safe and experience uninhibited arousal. 

The harmonious type might find it difficult to become aroused if their partner neglects a household chore or forgets to fulfill a promise. They’re more likely to feel ready for action if they come home to clean dishes, bathed kids, and folded laundry.

This doesn’t mean that they're literally turned on when they hear the vacuum, but for them, desire is sparked by a partner who lightens their load and shares their goals.

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lust languages


People with a connected lust language need a strong emotional link to feel aroused. If you have a connected lust language, desire is intimately linked to feeling known, understood, and safe with a partner. One-night stands and love at first sight are less appealing to you than bonding over shared experiences, interests, and emotional needs.  

Honest communication is key for the connected type, as is a craving for deep friendship. The ability to openly express wants, needs, and intimate desires is the ultimate turn on for those with this lust language. Sexting may be a favorite pastime of the connected type, who like to stay in touch often throughout the day. 

More: Read the Top 5 Sexts to Send Your Crush!


Take everything you’ve learned about the connected lust language and flip it around — that’s the primal type. Passion and living for the moment are the preferred methods of intimacy for this lust language. Excitement and novelty are key to the primal type’s arousal, and a strong physical connection is a must. 

Those with a primal lust language might also be into kinks, fetishes, or other taboo forms of play, but not necessarily. One thing that is mandatory, though, is skin-to-skin contact. Primal types feel most aroused by the warmth of their partner’s body and the stimulation of their touch. An emotional connection may be present, but is not needed for a good time. 

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Why Does Your Lust Language Matter?

Learning about your partner’s lust language can mean the difference between guessing what will ignite arousal and knowing what will. When you understand your partner’s lust language, you’re better able to create the best sexual experience for them. 

Knowing your own lust language arms you with the self-awareness to communicate your wants and needs to a partner. It can also remind you that there’s nothing “wrong” with you if you don’t become aroused in a certain sexual situation

Learn: Interesting facts about sex, relationships and kink

Remember: we all experience arousal differently. For example, if you know your partner has a harmonious lust language, going the extra mile to help with daily chores can make them feel more receptive to sexual intimacy. By the same token, you can better understand why they aren’t aroused in a messy bedroom surrounded by laundry you promised to put away.

Taking the time to discover what turns both of you on and off can help you set boundaries in the bedroom and live your most authentic sex life, both solo and together. 

Final Thoughts

Keep in mind that, like your love language, your lust languages can shift over time as you move through different stages of life. Check in with yourself and your partners periodically, and don’t forget that communication is always key to good sex, no matter your lust language!